Day 6.1 - What Happened?

I (Karin) am typing this blog post but Andy and I are sitting here at the airport in Kiev putting our thoughts and perspectives down on this post together. 
As we started our journey yesterday there were so many instances where we commented "this will make a good blog post"... from God being in the smallest details to having to use the potty in a hole in the ground.  However, neither of us imagined that we would have to put those things on hold in order to write this post.  

As we posted last night on Facebook, Marina has made the hard and life changing decision to NOT be adopted.  Now that you know the bottom line, we would like to share the story.  In the story, please recognize the many prayer needs along the way... for specific people as well as future events.  We also share these details in hopes that you will have a full understanding of what took place - and so that we don't have to recount and relive the details over and over when we get home.  I am sure that you all can understand that.

Thursday evening (usa time) we spoke with Marbella.  She asked if we had seen Marina yet and when we told her no, she asked if we could Skype with her as soon as we do because she is excited to see her.  It warmed our hearts once again that our little ones have welcomed Marina into their hearts without expecting anything in return.  As can be expected (and had been the situation all week) we didn't sleep very well. Too excited about the big day that was about to happen.  We packed up, got ready, and met our driver at 4:00 AM to start the 6 hour car ride.  The roads in Ukraine are terrible - It feels like you are driving down a dirt road yet they were paved - coupled by the fact that we were driving 160 km/hr (100 MPH).  As we got further and further out of Kiev the reality of the poverty and the huge separation between classes became real.  We learned that there are actually 2 classes of people - rich and poor - there is no middle class. And that became very obvious.

At 8:30 AM we arrived in Kirovohrad to pick up Nina, our local facilitator.  What an absolute gem!!!  We continued our drive to Oleksandriya (passing Pantaivka - Marina's orphanage - and feeling more and more excited that we were so close) to pick up an official from the CPS that would observe and certify Marina's declaration of wanting to be adopted.  That took some time as he was busy and he had absolutely no desire to make this happen.  However, Nina was persistent and he had no hope when God runs the show.  So, the 5 of us packed into the car and drove to the orphanage arriving at 1:00 PM. 

On our way, Nina described this orphanage as one of the worst around.  She also described the people of Ukraine being very sad.  That the harder they work, nothing changes.  As we walked into the orphanage we felt the weight of her comments.  We passed 3 little girls probably close to Marbella's age and felt an overwhelming weight of the hopelessness that awaits them.  At that moment, we could have taken all of them home with us but that of course was unrealistic.  We made it to the Orphanage Director's office and waited for them to get Marina out of class.  We were so anxious... so excited... and didn't really know what to do with ourselves.  Nobody in that small room other then Nina and us spoke English.  After a couple minutes Marina walked into the door.

She smiled at us... almost in disbelief that we were actually there.  To back up for just a moment - we messaged with her on Wednesday via Contact (Russian FB - yes, Andy set up a profile for himself on Russian Facebook so that he could communicate with her, his daughter).  Andy told her that we were in Kiev and that we had our appointment with the SDA and would be going to her Orphanage very soon.  She responded with "ok.  I am so happy now".  Yes, this was 2 days earlier - which makes this all so difficult to understand!!!  So, she walks in and Andy and I get up and go to her to hug her.  We could tell she was still in shock.  At the same time, emotions flooded us.  It was so wonderful to see her... to be with her...to touch her.  Any hesitations - questions - doubts - were gone.  As those of who are a daily part of our lives know, the summer with Marina had some amazingly wonderful moments and some incredibly challenging moments.  But all along the way God continued to make it crystal clear over and over again in His Word that we were to continue this journey, welcome Marina into our home, and help her to see Him and feel His healing.  And once again at that very moment, we knew we were exactly where He wanted us, doing exactly what He called us to do.  However, what we didn't know what how the next 30 minutes would unfold.  After we all hugged each other - one big family hug like we used to do right before bed while Andy prayed over us - I cupped her face in my hands and said "Marina, you are so beautiful... you are so bella."  She smiled shyly as we have seen her do so many times. 

The Director asked us all to sit down - Marina was next to Andy on one side of the table and Nina and I were on the other side of the small table.  She said something to Nina and Nina told us that Marina was in shock that we were actually there.  Immediately Andy pulled out his phone and played her a video message that we recorded the day we left Miami (Marina's actual birthday) - it was a video of Marbella, Milana, and her 2 cousins that she hasn't met yet, Drew and Evan, all singing her Happy Birthday.  As she watched the video her eyes welled up in tears and then she pushed the phone away... and started to turn away from Andy - body language we saw many times over the summer when she started to shut down.  We knew immediately that something was wrong.  Nina started talking to her in Ukraine and Marina kept saying "no".  By Nina's tone and the look on her face we knew exactly what was going on.  Nina told us that Marina was having doubts about being adopted.  She said that Marina was comfortable where she was with her friends, she called it her "comfort-zone." Nina continued to tell Marina that this is her last chance for adoption - her last chance for a life - her last chance to have the love of a family.  Marina said that she has her teachers there who care for her.  Nina told her that she graduates from the Orphanage in May and that her teachers will no longer have anything to do with her.  Marina said she has her friends and that she is comfortable...that she doesn't want the rules in a family or have to attend a Christian school.  The CPS official and the Orphanage Director both tried to explain to her what waits for her if she says no.  They are not legally allowed to push or persuade a child to say yes but rather they were laying out the dismal life should could expect if she said no to this adoption.  We sat in the room for about 30 minutes observing this dialog.

At one point I reached across the table and grabbed her hand and squeezed it 3x. She learned over the summer that this is how we (our family) communicate "I love you" to each other without speaking any words.  As I did that I asked her if she remembered what that meant - she smiled, said yes, and then took her hand back and continued to fidget with her fingernails - another thing we saw her do when she was uncomfortable.  The Director asked her to make her own decision and not let her friends decide for her.  She was being influenced by her friends in the Orphanage.  Nina then told Marina that she speaks English and she needs to be the one to tell us... but she just couldn't say it.  They needed her to take responsibility for this decision so that it was on record.  There is power in the spoken word. When she was with us this summer, we asked her if she wanted to be adopted by us.  She would nod and I would ask her to say it... say you want to be our daughter... say you want to be a part of our family... feel those words and what they mean - take ownership.  And she did... but those words couldn't come out this time. 

We know this decision was hard for her - we could see it through the tears when she watched the video with Milana and Marbella - but she couldn't do it.  She couldn't let her friends down - she couldn't see beyond the difficulties of having rules and learning how to love and be loved.  She could only see the here and now.  She could only see the path she wanted to go down, today. A path that doesn't consider her future but stays constant with the friends she has right now. What she doesn't understand is that path doesn't exist. 

Our heart began to ache - not for simply our loss or even for having to tell the girls, but for what the decision would mean for her life.  I then asked her if she was having a hard time saying the words to us because she wasn't sure or was it because she didn't want to hurt our feelings?  In our minds we were thinking that we could spend the weekend together and then she could make her decision. Based on how hard it was for her to say it to us, she knew that if she spent time with us then she might change her mind.  That wasn't an option for her. 

Nina was getting very upset with her being so short minded and not looking at the future that she asked if we could adopt her instead.  This was an attempt to lighten the mood but I honestly believe if she had been younger and we could legally adopt her that she would have come home with us.  See, Nina lives in the real life and understands how hard it is to not be a part of the rich class.  Couple that with being 16, an orphan with no money, the outcome is very sad. Marina then asked if she would still be able to Skype with us - we haven't Skyped since she left due to no access so I am not sure where she thinks the access will come from - but we responded with "of course honey, we will always be here for you - we love you and we want you."  She looked away and Nina told her once again that she had to tell us.  So, she did... and we were in total shock.  We all got up from the table - once again we had a group hug and we told her that we would pray for her every day and always love her.  And then we walked out... stunned... numb... in shock... confused... while recognizing that God is here with us and knew that things were going to go this way. 

Nina, Andy and I walked out of the Orphanage and sat on a bench while waiting for the CPS official to complete the paperwork regarding Marina's desire to not be adopted.  We got back into the car, drove to Oleksandriya to drop off the gentleman and sit down at a cafe.  We hadn't eaten in many many hours by this time and needed something in our bellies so we wouldn't pass out.  We ate and we talked - stunned by the turn of events.  We kept replaying in our head the last hour and couldn't believe what we were hearing.  Before we left for the Ukraine, Marina asked us to bring one of the teddy bears my mom had gotten her while she was here, along with some face cleaner... and we also bought her a watch for her birthday.  So, we decided to see if anything changed in the last 30 minutes.  We went back to the Orphanage but there was no sign of Marina so Nina left what we brought for her with the Director with a promise that Marina would get the items. 

We keep wondering - does she regret the decision - what if we come back, will she see that she needs to come with us?  No, not yet anyway.  So, we had to make the long drive back - dropping off sweet Nina who was in as much shock as we were.  We hugged Nina - a true gem - full of compassion, empathy, and a heart for her work.  Nina's life is hard... yet she in the power of prayer and works hard to help save children in her region.  She will be blessed for her work.  It was the longest drive of our lives.  It was unexpected and full of confusion.  We plugged in our headphones and listened to praise/worship music (thank you Lauren Chandler and Michael Bleaker) for peace from our Savior.  We thanked our sweet Father for putting us where we were knowing that He will one day reveal to us the purpose of all this.  We finally got home at 10:00 PM - after a very scary drive back because of our drivers driving - and after he got stopped by the police right in front of our apartment with us in the car and then asking us for money to pay the officer off.  At this point, we were done - we just wanted to get into our apartment.  Andy and I found a place to eat at midnight - a time for us to sit across the table from one another and reflect.  What just happened?  Did Marina really just make that decision?  Why did God take us through this journey to come home without her?  Why did we have to travel the 6000 miles?  What is Marina thinking?  Doesn't Marina understand?  What could we have done differently over the summer?  What could we have done differently in the meeting?  Even though we have so many unanswered questions, we know that our sweet Savior is in this... we know that He is in total control... we know that we are in complete submission to His will... we know that we have come to an intimate place with Him and we never want to go back to what we used to be. 

We met with our chief facilitator - Kosta - this morning before we flew out of Kiev (we are now on our flight to London with an overnight stay there and then back to Dallas Sunday early evening - before the girls even get home from Florida).  He was so disappointed - for us - but truly for Marina.  He told us that when this has happened in the past and the child gets out in the real world that they always come back to him on their knees begging for the adoption.  He can do nothing for them at that point. It is heart breaking.  One thing that we can be sure of - for the first time in 10 years Marina got to experience what it felt like to be wanted by a family.  She wasn't the one who was watching someone else get adopted - she actually got to feel what is was like to be wanted.  Even though she made a choice that we may ever understand - she got to feel wanted.

Once again - we share all of these details with you for several reasons.  One, so that we don't have to relive it over and over to everyone individually when we get home (and again, I am sure you can understand why) but even more importantly for the prayers that are so needed right now for so many people over there.  First and foremost - Marina.  That God has a plan for her.  That she will NOT become a statistic but rather the exception to the rule.  That her heart will soften for Him and that she will see Him in her dreams.  That she is protected.  That she finds healing from all her wounds in Him.  And so much more for her.  Pray for Nina - for her faith to grow -for her life to have fulfillment - for her to find happiness in a very unhappy place - for her to feel like her hard work means something.  Pray for Kosta - his work in helping children find forever homes - for his wife who is experiencing some medical issues.  For the government officials - for their hearts to know and love Jesus - for them to make the adoption process easier - for them to see how their processes are affecting their people.  For the country of Ukraine- on so many levels!  And these are just a few... just pray pray pray... but don't forget to quiet yourself and enter in the presence of God before you do.  We have learned many many many things over the past several months and specifically in the past week - and one of the biggies is that when we enter into His presence before we pray that amazing miraculous things happen. 

We love you all so much and thank you for taking this journey with us.  It isn't over yet... we are all on assignment by Him until we meet Him face to face.  Our only purpose for being alive is to glorify Him - obey Him - worship Him - it is a journey that doesn't have an end...

Love love love you all -
Karin and Andy

Romans 8:28-29
English Standard Version (ESV)
28 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. 29 For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers.